I am unsure how I might even begin to summarise the first three months of my PhD journey. So much has happened, and every academic milestone faced was inextricably linked to my health, family events and some deeply unsettling emotional upheavals. Still, if I have learned anything from academic Twitter, it is that every semester to come will not be any different. A few years ago, I thought you would have to be in the ‘right place’ to begin a PhD. This is almost like how my friends have said they want to be in the ‘right place’ to have a child. Except that the ‘right place’ doesn’t really exist does it? So, my lovely, messy, and chaotic first semester of my PhD has ended.
When I began applying for PhD programmes (almost a year ago now), I felt sure that by the time I began my chosen programme, I would feel mentally ready, physically healthy and financially stable. When September 2022 came around, absolutely none of that was true, and for a long time, I was confident I would delay my start date with the University of York. In the end, I chose not to. My health and life were falling apart, and I could no longer work. But I did need something to keep me busy, to focus on. Ultimately, I am so glad I chose this.
So, I began my PhD working remotely in my childhood bedroom. I got a fold-up desk to add to my existing writing desk and, ultimately, made my own cosy space to which my brain became to ‘study’. For the first few weeks, I felt like a fledging bird trying to leave the nest for the first time, ready to fly but without instructions on how to do so. Thankfully, I chose my supervisors based on their academic journeys and current projects (which align heavily with my own aims), and they helped me understand the process of what exactly a PhD is and how a process unfolds. So, here is what I’ve learned, less about the PhD process and more about myself.
1) Elasticity
I now have an improved appreciation for my brain’s ability to adapt. Don’t get me wrong, I did my undergraduate degree and two master’s whilst chronically ill, so I partly guessed this would be no different. Like always, I would have to fight to achieve my ambitions. But now, having been through supervisor meetings, postgraduate training classes, and countless hours of typing in silence during the worst health period of my life, I have a higher appreciation for the adaptability of my brain. I’ve coped. But I’ve also coped by being vocal about my deadlines and where I am mentally with those around me – namely, my family. I typically avoided this in all other aspects of my academic journey. After all, I’ve wanted to be the Jen that Copes privately and quietly, not Jen that’s messy and filled with loose ends. As it transpires, being open helps a lot.
2) No One Knows What They’re Doing
Academics are like anyone else. Including the fancy, professor ones. Everyone told me this before I started, but I still looked at academics with a level of worship that was probably rooted in envy. Envy that they had successfully completed their academic studies and gotten jobs in the field. Here’s the thing, I don’t even know if I want to teach or lecture. After all, I’ve never done it, but in theory, I do, so it is easy to be jealous. But every single academic I’ve spoken to has taken a somewhat scenic route to where they are, and everyone one of them remains confused about where they are going to end up. So, I am learning exactly how unplanned my future can be, whilst still being exactly as valid as anyone else’s.
3) The Mental Health Conversation Goes Both Ways
When I first told my family and friends that I wanted to pursue a PhD, they weren’t surprised, but most did groan at the thought of attempting a PhD themselves. Most referred to it as a painful, slow form of torture. One of my friends actually said that they would be too depressed to attempt a PhD. Of course, this wasn’t the first time I met with the narrative that the PhD process is damaging to one’s mental health. From the offset, the University of York offered me classes in coping mechanisms and ways to reduce stress, which was profoundly helpful. But it is equally true that the PhD process can bring you joy. For me, it has been a balm to my mental health during a very challenging few months in my personal life. I don’t know if it will always be this way, but right now, I am able to see the duality of the process.
So, there goes semester one. It’s been a time filled with ups and downs – all due to my health. Beginning my PhD journey gave me a purpose, a goal and something that remained entirely mine when it felt as though I was about to lose everything. For semester two, I will be looking to complete another large chunk of writing and quite a bit of planning for the novel aspect of my thesis. I will also hope to participate more thoroughly in the academic environment now that I have the energy to truly feel like a postgraduate student.
Until next time,
Jen x