Although I am mildly embarrassed to admit it, I have been on Twitter since 2009. My friends and I used to tweet each other when our webtexts had run out. It was a unique time in history to be alive and on the internet, which lies documented for all to see.
Recently, on Twitter, I came across a hashtag I hadn’t seen before and as is typical, I am very used to not understanding things on the internet, so when I came across #NEISvoid, I opened my Google app with rehearsed ease.
The hashtag NEISvoid means No End in Sight, and is specifically related to living with chronic-illness or mental illness, from what I understand. At first, this sent a somewhat cold rush through my bones as I was yanked back into a time when I remember what it was to be staring at my own future, as though it was a void of endless pain. In truth, nothing has changed since then, certainly not my own chronic pain levels, just simply my perspective and mindset. I have structured my life and mind in way to be inclined toward the positive, toward the desired outcome I want. Yet to see the blank sadness of a life in pain written so clinically shook me and perhaps, uncomfortably reminded me of a past I have not yet worked through. My immediate desire was to click off this hashtag, to escape the plain truth other people were brave enough to face.
I’ve had time to think since then, about exactly why facing the blunt truth of pain is such a problem for me.
I’ve since realise that by forcing myself to focus on positive thinking, I have unwittingly been declaring some of my behaviours, thoughts and reactions as ‘good’ and others as ‘bad’. After all, if I tell myself my ability to work through my to-do list and have neat, aesthetic morning routine, then surely, be default, my inability to do this on the bad days is negative? These are the subconscious messages I have told myself for years.
On the balance of things, this is relatively okay, considering that at least half of my thoughts and words are positive. Still, it explains the sting I feel at the end of a day with an unfinished to-do-list or an unmade bed – I have made my life a black and white motion picture of ‘good’ and ‘bad’. Seeing others who struggle similarly to me in regards to chronic pain face their future with the hashtag No End In Sight felt like a betrayal to the arbitrary rules I have set myself toward positive-thinking.
So, let’s take a new approach.
At the moment, I am undertaking (another) Master’s degree and in personal and business coaching. Essentially, all of my lectures are focused on how to optimise the potential of each human being, based on their unique personality. One such technique involves viewing life non-judgementally.
It’s time to swing my pendulum back to the centre and think neither positively or negatively about any such action in my life. To view my day as neither a failure nor a success, but simply a day worth living in its own right. After all, what makes a day worth living?
Absolutely nothing except the fact that you woke up to see it.
Talk soon – maybe after I’ve faced more of my own demons,