To me, the concept of something has always been easier to accept than the thing itself. For example, when I six, the concept of going down the water slide was much easier than actually forcing myself off of the ledge with one small push. I understood the theory of the action, but it didn’t translate into that final bit of bravery quite as quickly. Now, so many years ago, I’m much the same.
During college, the concept of good grades, an impeccable social life and eight hours of sleep was also easier to contemplate, than to put into action. In reality, everyday I made choices about where to weight my attention. Grades, friends, boyfriend or sleep? Tick tock, my own pulse seemed to remind me. The day is almost done and what have you achieved?
I once told someone that I organise my mind by imagining that I am holding different lengths of rope. One rope for every faction of my life I had to remember. Yet when I am anxious or stressed, it feels as though those ropes are pulling me towards them in a myriad of different directions. Pulling until my bones pop from their sockets and I am on my knees.
Now, I am a college graduate. Now, I must transform into a real life adult. Time to be a useful member of society, the real world calls to me.
I can just about see it, just hovering there in the distance. My future. But it’s still hazy enough that I am scared to run at it with both hands. But those ropes are pulling again and it’s walk or be dragged.
I have plans and hopes for myself that even when they are just concepts, they will be challenging to achieve. And lately, I have been disappointed with myself with how I have been trying to achieve them.
Disappointed. But not discouraged.
Everyday of this horrible, unknown is like pushing myself off of that water slide. Nerve-wracking, exhausting. There is satisfaction to in there, but sometimes it can become clouded by the fear of having to get up and do it all over again the next day.
And yet, I am changing. I am becoming a concept.
The concept of something stronger.
In college, I was like a leaf in a breeze. One step, onto the next and so on. Follow the lighted path to the exit. We hope you have enjoyed your four year trip. There were hitches and snags, but even those were carried by the same breeze.
Now, every graduate is facing the mouth of the big bad real world and is on their knees, soaked in sweat from the sheer exertion of trying. We are blasted by the voices of the older, been-there-and-survived hardened adults. Come on, get up. Time to face the music.
But I don’t like their music.
So, I stand, knees shaking, heart pumping hard enough to be heard for miles. I tug on the ropes, reminding both them and myself who formed this concept. And who holds the ability to reform. I can become someone who not only copes but thrives in situations I choose to move from concepts to reality.
Disappointment can be tamed and erased. I do not have to be the big-girl-turned-adult the world expects to churn out. University is not an adult making machine. The mind is, however.
And I’m going to use my own music to get there.